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The Inner Workings of an Insane Mind
17 most recent entries

Date:2007-04-24 13:42
Subject:I am soooooo transparent and these stupid quizzes see right through me

You Are a Ring Finger

You are romantic, expressive, and hopeful. You see the best in everything.
You are very artistic, and you see the world as your canvas. You are also drawn to the written word.
Inventive and unique, you are often away in your own inner world.

You get along well with: The Pinky

Stay away from: The Index Finger

Your Stripper Song Is

Master and Servant by Depeche Mode

"There's a new game
We like to play you see
A game with added reality
You treat me like a dog
Get me down on my knees"

Yawn, dancing is so boring without a little spice.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.

People feel like they really don't know the true you...

Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.

Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself.

It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose.

You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

Your Vote Score: 65% Republican, 35% Democrat

While you don't always agree with the Republican party, it's a pretty good match for you.
Do be sure to research each candidate. A conservative Democrat or independent candidate might fit you better at times.

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Date:2007-04-18 13:08
Subject:Alone at last
Mood: complacent

It has come to the point that Ashley won't talk to me since I almost broke the door down. It will barely close at this point. I don't remember doing it, but I won't argue about it being my fault. I know I do all kinds of stupid shit when I'm drunk.

I'm getting clean. No smoking or drinking since Saturday night. 4 days clean. I still haven't been to a meeting yet. I'm hope I can find some I actually like and feel comfortable with soon. I liked the ones I went to downtown a few years ago when I came to visit for my sister's graduation.

Bert is leaving on Friday and Alison is going to Baton Rouge for the weekend on Friday as well. For the first time in forever I'll be completely alone for a few days. Nobody thinks I'll be able to handle it. I have to prove them wrong. Maybe I'm just the one who's always wrong.

Alone, silence, the complete still of absolutely nothing.

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Date:2007-04-14 00:55

I feel like crying but I'm all out of tears. I find out things I never wanted to know. I don't want to hear the brutal truth of it all....

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Date:2007-04-09 15:23
Subject:Something different

I haven't been this happy and this depressed at the same time. That girl lightens my heart so. I love spending time with her and it just feels so natural.

There really is no reason for the depression. Maybe it's because I was off my meds for 3 days (which I got yelled at for by numerous people).

I want to finish all the alcohol in the house that's mine by the end of the month. I don't really plan on doing anything for my birthday since I never celebrate and Bert won't be here but I want to finish all of it off so I can't have any excuse not to get sober. I really want to and I think at this point in my life I have the support I need.

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Date:2007-04-08 11:35

I just find it amusing that Nikki says she can't handle seeing me and my new girl out somewhere, even saying that she will avoid places just not to see us. These things I just can't understand. Let's grow up a little and just realize that things change. Life has to keep going. We all have to move on.
Maybe it seems as if I've moved along a little fast. I just feel more comfortable with this girl. Something was different from the start. We seem much more compatible and I don't have that underlying feeling that things have no possibility to go past a certain point.
It was said that she probably won't be able to put up with my shit. I'm different around different people and she already knows I'm a bipolar asshole. I try to be up front and honest with everything that is me.
She's a good girl and I just hope I can hang on to her. I don't want to screw this one up.

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Date:2007-03-13 01:18
Subject:i don't know what to think

I've been crying most of the day, which is completely not like me at all. I've been in so much pain and my throat is swelling back up. My problem is far worse than swollen lymph nodes.
I have a mass the size of my fist inside me. I really don't know how to feel about it. I am definitely setting up a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.
I have no clue. I'm just completely lost and alone in this little journey. Of course I have Bert and Ashley (and Akira) but their comforting words and actions still don't take away the complete confusion inside of me. I have no clue what will happen from here and I hate that feeling when it comes to my health.
I'm so lost.

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Date:2007-03-08 20:42

God it's eating me. I have busted my ass all day and maybe it's just being worn down that is letting it take control. I missed my meds for a few days so it's to be expected. I need some sleep.

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Date:2007-03-08 13:13
Subject:looking bright

I have receive wonderful news today and I couldn't be happier. Things are on the up and up. I could be in a new world very soon. Maybe I've had enough of Jackson for now. Maybe....
This just fell in my lap all of a sudden and it's an opportunity I just can't pass up. It brings all of my goals so much closer to my grasp. Life is a beautiful journey, yet so often fucked up by my own twisted thinking.

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Date:2006-11-30 09:38
Subject:Dirty Filthy Love

I can only think from watching this movie that I have to take a different focus on life. Maybe I've already taken a different focus and I need to keep moving forward with it.
I can't think about the past. I mean I can, but I have to do it in a completely different light. I can never go back and I have to move far beyond. That was a million years ago and a completely different lifetime. I can never go back to that life and I should never chase that life....the past.
Who knows if I'll ever return to Detroit. I learned so much and really enjoyed that part of my life.
I don't want to spend the rest of my days in Mississippi and I never want to spend a day without my girls. One day those two ideas will merge and become one final solution.
It's so easy for me to leave a lifetime behind, but I always look back on it longingly. So much of life I rushed through and never enjoyed. Now I try to enjoy each moment (on my good days I should say).

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Date:2006-11-18 17:23

I hate being in a place in my life where I don't really have any clue what will happen next. The drinking has taken a serious decline, so maybe the stupid shit will subside. The depression is seeming more managable day by day.
I've come to the realization that I have never had an original thought in my head. There's nothing I've gone through that others haven't done before me. I've been mislead my whole life into believing I'm intelligent. Wish I would have known years ago that I'm completely ignorant and naive. Because of my past, I'll always be regarded as a failure to some people, mainly my family. What kind of mother am I if I don't even have custody of my babies? And it's not even that their father is keeping them from me. He wants me to have custody of the girls. He just wants me to find my sanity first. Who knows when or if that will ever happen? I'm so fuckin lost in my own disease that I can't tell if I'm coming or going. That's it. I'm just lost.
I can finally be honest about this part of myself. I was one of those girls who found my self-worth and affection in the bedroom. I suppose I still am. I base my self-esteem and my validity on my performance. Sex. That's all I can find that I can offer anyone. I know so many times I'm just being used, but I don't feel like I'm worth anything so I just go with it.

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Date:2006-10-26 09:48
Subject:absolutely nothing

Yeah...the past is the past. Forget it...whether it was two weeks or two years ago. Same difference to me. Suppose that's why I'm famous for the two week relationship. Time is a difficult concept for me to grasp. I feel like I've only lived seven years. Those earlier years were far from living. They were surviving, my every action controlled by others.
Never realized how many songs are about love and relationships and that bullshit (fucking included). Why can't there be more songs about cats or drinking (but not some sad drunk love song) or absolutely nothing? Maybe it's just the shit I've been listening to lately.
I told this girl we could date for two weeks. I dunno what happens after that. I'm so manic in my own mind that my feelings change moment by moment. I'm somewhat depressed about it now. I'm such an asshole all the time even though I'm trying not to be. Maybe it's my brutal honesty. Maybe it's the fact that there is no filter between my brain and my mouth. Maybe it's because I'm not taking my xanax like I should. Not taking xanax leads to nausea, shaking, social anxiety, extreme nervousness, twitching, and racing thoughts. Kinda why things went so wrong at Outoberfest. Anyway, the girl is so extremely nice to me, even making me breakfast in bed this morning. I told her I'm an asshole though. I try to be up front about it. I don't know what people see in me, except for insanity. Maybe that's what they're attracted to.
Most people think I have this huge fuckin ego but really I am battered, bruised, and sore. I work hard for the things I have. Very little in this life has come easy for me. And still people try to get me down.
I've found there's only one thing I've ever been good at....sex. Fucking, licking, sucking, making you scream. These were the things my reputation was based on. That and I'm so passionate about things I love. Sex is the only thing I love that doesn't go away. I can always find more.
Too bad I actually thought romantic love was real. I was celibate for about 7 months because I really cared about the one I left in Detroit. And I still believe that she loves me. And I know she waited for me. Then she started drinking. Can't say that I blame her for what's happened since. I was 21 once...
My stud status has been stripped from me. I'm not the same person I was in Detroit. I attempted to stay away from one-night stands. So much for that. It's not the same anymore anyway. I've lost my skill....and without my skill, I'm nothing.
What more do I have to offer the world? absolutely nothing

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Date:2006-10-19 20:57

I just preordered tickets for the show here in December. I just found out this evening that they're playing here and tickets don't go on sale until saturday. I'm excited. It'll be Hinder, Three Days Grace, and Staind. Now I just gotta find someone to go with me...

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Date:2006-10-18 07:51

Those moments....when a look, a glance can throw your life way out of orbit....are the moments I live for. There's just something absolutely beautiful about that little unknown....being so excited I want to puke.
Yeah, there's something to be said about getting all the bullshit out of the way and just taking a woman to bed but then once it's done, where's the excitement? I try to roll with it. But then again I don't want to taste everything that's offered to me. It's much sweeter when there's a challenge involved. A little work never hurt anybody.

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Date:2006-10-12 07:09
Subject:i always seem to make an ass of myself
Mood: tired

I couldn't sleep for the life of me and I kept thinking that I should write and get all this shit out of my head. But then it was just about 4 am and I figured I better just turn over and do whatever I had to do to sleep. I had a few drinks and even took two klonopin, which knocked me on my ass a saturday or two ago. And well now....my internal clock wakes me up three hours later.
I had such a crazy day yesterday...just wish I wasn't so strung out and could well....do whatever it is I do.
I was talking with a couple of passengers yesterday when they commended me on my vocabulary and proper usage of the language. I swear....when they said that I completely blanked out on everything I had just said to them. I of course turned blood red and just said thank you. It was a few hours of thinking about it before I realized what they were talking about. I'm such an airhead sometimes that my hair needs to be blond.
The ladies I work with...they love to make me turn red. They love rubbing the back of my head. And for some reason they love to bend over right in front of me. I don't even pretend to understand it but hell....it's a good laugh.
I had to pat down a woman who happened to be a 'dancer' in Vegas. She was very insistent upon dancing around for me while I was patting her down. "You like that? I know you feel it...and I know I like it." All I could do is shake my head and laugh....and was also blood red again. It's obviously not difficult to make me blush. But anyway, this woman offered to go buy me a ticket to fly with her right then to Vegas. I had to politely decline but it had to make me wonder exactly what kind of vibe I'm giving off. I even got offered a box of those great chocolate hazelnut ball things. I have no clue what they're called, but they're absolutely heavenly. And then once again I had to politely decline because my supervisor was standing right there. Then once the lady leaves, he jokingly yells at me for passing on such great chocolate. Whatever...
Then there's the woman who called me "delighfully charming." I don't even think I said thank you because I at that very moment proceeded to choke on the same air that I very easily breathe all day every day. What an ass I make of myself...
Ashley and I had a fab time last night...and Katie too while she was here. I have a wonderful reason to celebrate so I'm just gonna let it carry over into the weekend.
I even told Ash the real reason I have these burns on my hand and why for several days in a row I would come home and go straight to bed and not wake up until right before I had to get ready for work. Depression is a bitch and few and far between actually understand the depravity of it. I'm not crazy...I'm just bipolar. Yeah, right. Same damn thing. I'm not ashamed anymore. I completely embrace my insanity. It doesn't really matter though. It's not like I'm gonna be getting out of this life alive...

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Date:2006-10-10 20:25

Just had a wonderful conversation with my sister. She came over to get my laundry detergent but we ended up gaining a little better understanding of each other.
Here's my oversimplified take on life....I try to find one thing every day, no matter how minor it is, that brings a little happiness or atleast a smile to my face. Some days it's just being an asshole to a passenger. Yesterday it was talking to that couple that invited me to the folk festival. Some days are shit and just a lil bit of a ray of sunshine comes through. Maybe I look at it in an immature way, but it makes my life a little easier. Just one small thing....one compliment....one "interesting" message from a captivating woman.....that opportunity to be an asshole and piss someone else off....that's all it takes.

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Date:2006-10-10 09:37
Subject:And here's the point where people don't understand anymore

There are those that just don't understand the depravity of true depression. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I can't just "turn that frown upside down." Sometimes I just don't want to be around anyone. Sometimes I cry for absolutely no reason. Sometimes I feel completely void. Sometimes....more often now than before...I am completely dependent on my medications. At one point I was completely dependent on alcohol. I found that it caused more problems than I was able to handle.
I don't want to feel like this. I never asked to be bipolar. I never asked to be depressed. I've been afflicted by this illness since I can remember. Nobody has been able to understand the inner workings of my mind, especially not me. Seems as if nobody cared to either. Judge me. I've been told all too many times that I am so desperate for attention that I make myself pitiful. I don't want your attention. I don't want your sympathy. I want to be alone. All I want is isolation. I just need time to sort through my own thoughts and emotions. You can't help me....not that you even care to.
I don't blame anyone for my misery. I am the creator of my self loathing. If you don't understand me just leave me the fuck alone....seriously.

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Date:2006-09-19 07:09
Subject:Just another day

I'm here...at work at 6 A.M. The only good thing about it is that I'm at home by 1 P.M. Yet I'm not a morning person, nor have I ever been. Every shift I ever bid on in Detroit was either an afternoon or midnight shift. I keep wondering how long this will go on. It's already been six months and I still haven't gotten used to going to bed so early or taking a nap in the afternoon.
I have to go running today. I've neglected it the last three days, but I did get in about 20 minutes of 'running' in the pool on Saturday. Over the weekend I've been to Kiefer's twice with Ashley. I swear she's addicted to that place. But I always go and I always order the same thing.
I'm very determined to lose another 30 pounds. I am a realist and I know that my body won't be the same as it was when I was 18. The irony of it is that I was so shy and modest about my body. I thought I was the epitome of unfit and unattractive bodies. Too bad I never realized what I had at that point...not that I would have shown it off or used it to my advantage. It's implausible what having two kids will do to your body. I have let myself go for the past three or four years, blaming my extra weight on having kids. Yet this whole time I never changed my eating habits, nor did I ever try to exercise.
It's always one excuse after another with me, or so I've found out. I have been able to reason everything in my own mind. Oh....I did this because I thought it was necessary at the time. I did that to protect myself. I screwed myself to protect another person who really didn't need to be protected. I am still married just because it is so much easier to say out of sight...out of mind. I let him have custody of the kids right now because I'm trying to get my life right. There is so much more I really could do. I sometimes hate myself that I let this happen.
I was talking to a group of people, showing them a picture of my children, when this woman turned to me and said, "It must really be hard on you." It wasn't like anyone else had ever said it that way to me. It felt like she said it from the heart, like she understood my pain and I could see her honest concern in her eyes. Maybe I read too much into it, but at the moment it really touched me and made me feel like someone else could understand my pain.
I'm not trying to say pain is a bad thing. Pain has led to the pinacle of my life so far. Pain has forced me to grow up. Pain has taught me some really tough lessons, but had I not gone through those situations I would still be naive to much of the world around me. I have realized that I cause most of my pain. Someone can't transmit pain to me....unless they hit me or something of the sort. I'm talking about the pain inside...the pain that makes your heart ache. Someone may do something that as a natural reaction we feel pain, but that is our reaction...our own doing. We choose to let things hurt us. Or sometimes we don't...we put up our best defense and don't let anyone in. Occasionally that's where I feel I put myself.
I think the biggest reason I shut people out or just don't let people get to know me is that I know in some way I will disappoint them. I may even be disappointed in them, but it never effects me the same as when I may be the catalyst in which someone is hurt. And trust me...I know how to hurt people in the worst ways. I've always been told that you hurt those you love the most and I completly agree. If you let someone in...show them your true being, you are showing your vulnerability and that can lead to treacherous ground.
All I'm thinking now is I don't know whether to let people in or not. I will disappoint you in ways you never thought possible. Yet I still cannot see myself as a failure even though you may. It doesn't matter to me anymore what you think. I try my hardest to stay true to myself and my beliefs even though many don't understand or even agree in the least.

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